Life Through NYPD Blue
by JamieReagan
Summary: My name is Joseph Xavier Reagan. But you can call me Joseph or Xavier. This is my life up to the current events of today as the Police Commissioner of New York City.
1. Prologue

My name is Joseph Xavier Reagan. You can call me Joseph or Xavier. I'm the son of Danny and Linda Reagan. My birthday is May 15th, 2007. I'm fifty-five years old, I have three kids, four grand-kids, and I am the Police Commissioner of New York City. This is stories about my life that I was told by my family.


	2. Home Alone

It was the summer I turned 8, and Mom and Dad were at work. My older brothers, Jack and Sean, were out with Grandpa and Pop at an air show. I was too young to go, so I stayed home. I was standing outside, waiting for the train. I was fascinated with trains, still am in fact. The tracks next to my house, started to slowly shake, as I heard the whistle far enough away to where it could not be seen.

I went inside, and locked the side door, but I forgot to check the basement walkout door. Our dogs, Ranger and Scout, were downstairs watching the door. They were barking, when I heard something moving around in the downstairs door. I thought it was my Mom because it was getting late. The door stopped moving, and some guys walked in. They started talking to one another. I had seen one of them before. It was a kid from my school. I had talked to him maybe once.

I ran to hide under Mom and Dad's bed. One of them saw me crawling under, and pulled me out. They grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and handcuffed me to the table. I had my phone out, and they tried to take it away. I was only eight, so that didn't work out well. They gave it back to me, because I was getting on their nerves. I texted my Uncle Jamie and said, "Uncle Jamie, call Dad and bring back up to my house."

"We are on our way." He texted, "What's going on? Are you okay?"

I just texted back, "Hurry up."


	3. Negotiations

I was sitting at the table, waiting, watching YouTube videos, while they wrecked the house looking for valuables. I got bored with YouTube, so I started talking to the kid from my school. He told me his name was Gavin. I was telling him how he was going to get caught. He looked down at his feet.

"I know. My parents are in need of money. That's the only reason why I'm here."

I looked up at him and said, "I can tell my dad you were only here, because you heard something going on, and you came to help me. He'll let you go if you agree. If you don't want to get arrested, then uncuff me so I can get upstairs."

He took off the handcuffs, and I went to my room to sit on my bench in my window. I was watching for Dad and Uncle Jamie to show up. I got a text from Uncle Jamie.

"We have guys surrounding the building. Get in your room. On your signal, we will move in and get you out of there. Stay in your room so we can find you easily."

I texted him back, "I'm in my window. I'll count down from three." So I signaled "three, two, one, go" and they busted the doors and windows in. The guys in the vests with the word SWAT on it covered all entry points into the house with sniper angles. Uncle Jamie ran in with Sergeant Renzulli and Dad ran in with his partner. I looked downstairs and saw Dad on top of one of the guys. His partner, Jackie Curatola, was on the other person.


	4. Getting to Safety

Uncle Jamie was walking around the house with SWAT behind him, clearing the rooms of the house. I ran back to my room to hide. When he got into my room, I was hiding in my closet. Uncle Jamie yelled my name, and I yelled back from inside my closet. He yelled for everyone to lower their weapons, and I came out of my closet and ran up to him. He bent down, and I jumped into his arms and hugged him. He picked me up, carried me to Dad's car, and shut the door. I got bored, so I climbed to the front, and started to honk the horn to get someone's attention. Dad came out and told Uncle Jamie to take the guys down to the station to collar. I saw that they had Gavin, from my school, handcuffed. I jumped out of the car and ran up to Dad. He bent down, and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Hey buddy, did they hurt you, or do anything to you?" At the time, I didn't understand what he meant.

"No, I'm fine Daddy. They just handcuffed me to the chair. The kid over there came to help. He isn't one of the bad guys." Dad picked me up, put me on his shoulders, and walked over to Uncle Jamie. He was standing by the car Gavin was in, and Dad told Uncle Jamie to get him out. So he got Gavin out of the car, and I said, "Thanks for helping me." Dad bent down and took me off his shoulders, and he turned me around.

"Here you go, buddy. Go on, and show your Uncle Jamie your cars or something. I gotta talk to this kid." So I grabbed Uncle Jamie's hand, and he started walking with me. He picked me up so I wouldn't get hurt on the broken glass, and we went inside.

I ran up to my room to show him all my cars and toys. I told him the story of what happened. The entire time, he was quiet. At the end of my story, I asked him if he was okay. He slowly raised his head and forced a smile.


	5. Bravery is Key

"Was I brave, Uncle Jamie?" He walked closer to me and bent down.

"Yeah. You were really brave and smart to know to message me immediately and to let someone know you were in trouble. If you hadn't, who knows where you might have been by now. We may have never been able to find you." He lowered his head again.

"But you, Grandpa, and Daddy would have found me, right? Because you guys are the best cops, and detectives there are. And cause you wouldn't stop looking for me until you found me? And then Aunt Erin would have put them in jail for a long time. Cause you would find me. Right?"

He started to chuckle and said "Yeah I forgot about that. We wouldn't stop looking for you, because we love you, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you. If anything did happen to you, your Aunt Erin would definitely prosecute these guys to the fullest extent of the law. Your grandpa wouldn't sleep, and would have all his men looking for you until he knew you were safe." I understand now what he was upset about, but at 8 years old, I didn't.

Confused, I said, "Yeah, okay." Then I looked down and started to run my cars into each other. Uncle Jamie grabbed a cop car I had and pretended to radio into his precinct. I started laughing, which made him start laughing. I looked up at him, and then we smiled at each other.

I figured Dad was done talking so I said, "Can I go back out to Dad now?"

He laughed and said, "Yeah go on." I got up and started to run out, but I turned around to face Uncle Jamie.

"Uncle Jamie?"

He looked up and said, "Yeah, Xavier?" I looked down at my bare feet, a little red with blood from the cut glass.

"What do you think would have happened if I couldn't tell you I was in trouble? What if I wasn't the son of a detective? Would I be okay? Would I still make it to Sunday dinner?" He chuckled, then looked down.

"We would make sure of it buddy."

I looked up at him, and said, "Are you coming?" He stood up, and motioned for me to run over to him.

"Come here real quick Xavier." I ran back over and jumped up into his arms. He looked at me and said, "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happens to you. You would have to stay calm and let as many people know where you are, that way, we have a good chance of finding you. That way, we can get you home safely, so your daddy and your mommy don't worry about you, ok?" I nodded my head, and gave him a big hug, and laid my head on his shoulder. He laughed, and said, "You tired buddy?"

I had to admit I was a little sleepy, so I nodded, "Yeah, all this police stuff is hard for a kid my age. I don't see how you guys can do full days of it."

He laughed again and agreed. "You too tired to go and get ice cream?"

I perked up and scoffed. "No one is ever too tired to get ice cream. What kinda question is that?" He smiled and started to laugh.


	6. Talking Over Ice Cream

Dad walked into the house and took a look around to see all the damage the robbers had done. He saw me with Uncle Jamie, and jogged over and reached out his arms to hold me. I turned around, reached for him, and said, "Daddy! You missed my whole story about how brave I was!" He looked at Uncle Jamie and back at me.

"Oh yeah? I'm sorry buddy." I looked at him and shrugged.

"Oh well. I guess I'll just have to tell you when we're getting ice cream." Uncle Jamie smiled at Dad. Dad looked at Uncle Jamie and mouthed something, then looked back to me.

"Oh? Who said we were going to get ice cream?"

As happy as an eight-year-old could be, I replied, "Uncle Jamie did." They grinned at each other and looked at me. I could tell there was a bit of hesitation, so I said, "Please Daddy, please?"

He smiled, and said, "Alright, alright, I give in. Where you wanna go to?"

I knew of only one place with the best ice cream. We walked into Culver's, and Dad ordered my favorite, plain vanilla with strawberries on top. We sat, and ate while I told my story for the second time of a few. But I didn't know it then. We left Culver's, and Uncle Jamie got radioed back into work.


	7. I Will Protect You

When we walked into the 12th precinct, everyone started clapping and made me feel special. I was holding Dad's hand, and I motioned for him to pick me up. He smiled, bent down and said "one, two, three!" I jumped on three onto his shoulders. He walked around, as I high-fived everyone, and felt like I was on top of the world. I was looking around for Uncle Jamie when I saw him. Uncle Jamie was standing at his locker, holding something in his hands, fumbling with it. I immediately got curious and felt sad for a reason I would come to understand later. I tapped Dad's head to let him know that I wanted down. He looked up at me and said, "What's up buddy?" I pointed to Uncle Jamie, and he nodded his head. He picked me up and put me down. He looked at me and said, "Go sneak up on him, and talk to him." I nodded and ran up to the door of the locker room, then stopped immediately.

I thought about what I was going to say. I looked down and started to shuffle my feet. When I looked back up, Uncle Jamie was sitting down with what I could make out to be a picture. I have a problem with stuttering when I get nervous. Everyone in my family knows it. Even when I was little, my older brothers, Sean and Jack, and my cousin Nikki would always make fun of me for it. I tried to talk, but I kept stuttering. Uncle Jamie chuckled to himself and motioned for me to come to sit on his lap. I smiled and ran over, and jumped up into his lap. I looked up at him, and he smiled.

"What's on your mind, Xavier? Everything okay?"

I looked up at him and whispered, "Uncle Jamie? W-what would have happened? If, if I was kidnapped? Would I, would I be okay?" He looked at me with tears in his eyes.

"Joseph. I'm gonna tell you one thing. What happened today, I'm gonna make sure doesn't happen again, buddy. You won't ever have to worry about that stuff, do you understand?" I nodded, reached up, and wiped the tears out of his eyes. He laughed, and I contemplated what he said.

"B-but Uncle Jamie? What if," I stopped to think for a few seconds. "What if it does happen again though? W-what if I'm alone, and there isn't, there isn't someone I know, and they, they don't keep me at the house? What if they, they take me far away? I, I don't, I don't want that to hap-happen." He looked at me, and held the back of my head and pulled me closer.

"I know buddy. I know. I don't want that to happen either. That's why I promise to protect you and your brothers, and your cousin until the day I die."

I looked up at him and said, "Uncle Jamie, what was, was th-the thing that you, you were, were holding in, in your hand?" He forced a smile and showed me my first-grade school picture. I was confused, so I said, "Is that my picture, Uncle Jamie?" He closed his eyes as a tear dropped from his face onto my small hands. He held my tiny hands with his hands and whispered.

"Yeah buddy. I keep a picture of every one of my nephews and my niece in my locker. They remind me to pray to God to bring me back from my tour safely. That way I get to see you guys again." Back then, Uncle Jamie didn't have any kids of his own, so my brothers, Nikki and I were the next generation of Reagan's.


	8. Understanding

I was beginning to understand the feelings from earlier. Uncle Jamie was angry and felt guilty. He was angry that something could have happened to me and he wasn't there to protect me or look out for me. That they could have done anything to me, but I was lucky they didn't. And that there wasn't anything he could do to help me. He felt guilty that I was alone and if something had happened to me, he would have blamed himself. I looked up at him and hugged him even tighter.

"It's okay Uncle Jamie. I still love you. There wasn't anything you could have done differently. I knew I was gonna be okay 'cause Uncle Joe was watching over me protecting me."

My Uncle Joe was killed in the line of duty when he had infiltrated a secret group within the police department called "The Blue Templar" and was discovered to be an undercover cop. Uncle Jamie hugged me tighter until I thought I was going to explode and said "I know kiddo. It's just, it could have been prevented." I didn't know what he meant and was getting a headache from being held so tight when I heard a knock on the door. Uncle Jamie loosened his hug, and we both turned to look.

Dad was standing in the doorway. Uncle Jamie picked me up, and sat me back down in the chair, then looked at Dad and said, "Danny," He turned and looked at me, then sighed. "Can I talk to you for a second?" Dad looked confused, but Uncle Jamie motioned, and Dad understood and agreed. I got up and started to run to Dad, but Sergeant Renzulli stopped me and told me to follow him. I hesitated for a second because I didn't know him. I looked at Dad, and he nodded and motioned me to go with him. So we walked out into the main room of the precinct, and Sergeant Renzulli asked me if I wanted to go sit in an actual squad car. I was eager to go and jumped up.


	9. To Grandpa's House

Later on, when Dad and Uncle Jamie were done talking, we had to leave. As I was walking out holding Dad's hand to make sure I didn't get lost, I turned around to wave to Uncle Jamie. When I let go of Dad's hand and ran back to Uncle Jamie, he bent down and braced for an eight year old. He caught me and gave me one last hug. I whispered in his ear, "Don't worry, cause Uncle Joe said he would be watching out for you." Uncle Jamie laughed and agreed, and I ran back to Dad.

Dad picked me up, and put me into my car seat and yeah, I still had a car seat. Since Dad had the accident and Jack almost go hurt, if you were under twelve you still had to sit in a car seat. Of course, Jack and Sean were teenagers by then. I always had to sit in the middle, so my car seat fit in the car. I fell asleep and when I woke up, we were parked outside of Grandpa's house. Dad was on the phone, and I never found out who he was talking to, but I'm pretty sure it was his partner. He was pretty upset, and when he saw that I was awake, he whispered something, then hung up. I was too sleepy at the time to ask, but I asked later, and he said it was just details of a case. He got out and slammed the door, which made me jump.

He saw that I jumped and when he opened the door, he unbuckled me from the seat and picked me up. "I'm sorry Joe, Daddy's just upset with his work is all. I shouldn't be showing you kids my anger. I'm sorry buddy." I laid my head on his shoulder, still recovering from the nap I had in the car. Since I was so tired, Dad smiled, shut my car door, and carried me in.


	10. Contemplation

When we walked in, I started to move around a lot, so Dad put me down. I ran up to Grandpa, and yelled "Grandpa!" and I gave him a huge hug.

"How's my brave little boy? You know, what you did, some of my finest men might not have been able to do. You knew the situation was dangerous, and contacted your uncle and got you out of there safely." I understood the tone of guilt in his voice. I knew that because he and Pop, took Sean and Jack, that he felt responsible for what happened and that if I had gotten hurt, it would have been on him. I was skeptical that I would have been safe either way.

"Yeah, I know Grandpa. But, what would have happened if they had taken me somewhere, and you guys couldn't find me?" I was getting more shook up about it after the fact then I was at the house.

"Oh Joseph, don't you worry about what might have happened. You're here now, and that's all that matters."

I stopped for a minute, and looked up with tears in my eyes. "But what if next time, I'm not? What if next time I get taken, and you guys can't find me? What if I'm not here for Sunday Dinner?"

He bent down and wiped the tears out of my eyes. "Trust me, Joseph. No one that is sitting at that dinner table is going to let that happen," He looked back to the table in the dining room and motioned to everyone setting it. "If you were gone for Sunday dinner, I think we all would, because we would be looking for you. We wouldn't rest until you were found and back home safe. You remember when Sean got knocked off his bike and was in a coma? And you remember how your father was acting when he was told about that. If he was ever told you had been kidnapped, he might be put on leave because he wouldn't let anything happen to you." I was too young and naive to know what everyone meant my dad would have been suspended or gone on "leave". I figured out, that they meant he would lose his temper, and do something stupid like Dad normally did when working on cases.


	11. Strength in Brothers

I walked into the kitchen to see if I could help at all, and saw Jack and Sean. I ran up to them, and hugged them as tight as possible. They bent down and started hugging me too. Jack looked at Sean, and then down at me.

"Xavier, are you okay? What happened?"

"I'm okay bubby. Just a little scared. Why did they try to take our stuff?"

Sean looked at me and said, "They didn't know what they were doing Xavier, they had something wrong with them." Jack punched Sean's shoulder, and whispered something to him.

I looked up at them and said, "Do I have something wrong with me? Is that why I'm treated differently at school by the other kids?"

Jack picked me up, and said, "Xavier, who's treating you differently at school?"

I looked over to Sean, and said, "There are these mean kids at school, that say I'm a nobody, and I don't deserve to have the last name 'Reagan'. And they take my stuff and put it really high, so I can't reach it." Jack sat me down, and grabbed Sean and walked about ten feet away. They talked for a couple seconds then came back.

"Xavier, Sean and I will talk to you about this later. For now, let's just go eat okay? You must be really hungry."


	12. Dinner Cut Short

I went to the table and sat down. Everyone was excited for me to tell the events of the day. Except for the Reagan men. Grandpa looked at me and said "Joseph, would you like to say grace?" I said yes, said grace, and then everyone was asking me questions about my experience. I was answering, but I was just poking at my food.

Dad leaned over and said "You wanna go upstairs and talk?" and I slowly nodded. He turned to Grandpa, and said, "Dad, may Xavier and I be excused?"

He nodded and said, "Yeah, I'm about done. I'll be there in a second." Uncle Jamie and Pop said they would too.

Aunt Erin said to Nikki, Mom, Sean, and Jack "Well I guess we are stuck doing dishes." I got up and took my plate to the kitchen. I set it next to the sink and then slowly started up the stairs.


	13. Missing Uncle Joe

Dad jogged over and picked me up from behind. He flipped me upside down, which caused me to laugh, and I could see he was smiling too. He carried me up the steps and at first, I thought he was taking me to the guest bedroom, but we passed it and went into his old bedroom.

He flipped me back and sat me down on his bed. He said "You know, while the repair guys are fixing the windows and the doors, this is gonna be your bed. You, Sean, and Jack have to stay here for a couple of days. Your mom and I are gonna go to a hotel in another town to figure out how these guys broke into the house. I'm assuming that's why you weren't eating, right?" I held my head low and nodded. When I looked back up, Grandpa, Pop, and Uncle Jamie were standing there behind Dad. They came and sat down next to me.

Grandpa stood behind Dad's chair still. "What's bugging ya kiddo?" Pop was to my right, and Uncle Jamie was to my left. I knew Uncle Joe was there too. I could feel it. I was just a little, 50 pounds, eight-year-old. Who was gonna believe me that my dead uncle, Joseph Connor Reagan, was protecting me, guarding me and was with me everywhere I went? So I just kept quiet and sat on the bed until Uncle Jamie picked me up and sat me on his lap. He put his finger under my chin and lifted my head up to where I was looking straight into his eyes. I had tears in my eyes, and he knew what was bugging me.

"Hey, buddy. Is it your Uncle Joe?" I nodded, and Dad shifted in his seat. Uncle Jamie pulled me closer, and I wrapped my head in his coat. He started running his fingers through my hair and quietly whispered, "Shhhh, it's ok buddy. It's okay. Everything is gonna be okay." He kept rocking me back and forth trying to get me to calm down.

When I finally did get calmed enough, my face was red, and I was wearing an old jacket of Uncle Joe's, that was ten sizes too big. I put the hood over my head and had to hold it just above my eyes. I watched as Grandpa kind of turned around, as to hide the fact he was gonna tear up too. Pop was confused but kept quiet. Uncle Jamie looked over to Dad, and Dad shook his head. I looked over at Dad, and he put his head down. I felt like I was a disappointment to them all for reminding them of Uncle Joe. I jumped off of Uncle Jamie's lap and tried to run out of the room. The jacket tripped me and I started to fall. Grandpa anticipated it, put his arm out, and caught me. He lifted me up and cradled me in his arms. As I sat there, I could feel the tears running down the sides of my hot face.

Grandpa reached down, wiped the tears off my face, and said, "Where are you going, son? You can't outrun four Reagan's." He smiled, and everyone laughed… except for me. He asked me what was wrong, and trying to hold back tears I managed to get out a "nothing." Dad stood up and reached for me to climb into his arms, which I did. Grandpa asked me again what was wrong.


	14. Uncle Joe Helps Out

As I was sniffling through the tears, I managed to subside them for a little while. "I've been thinking about Uncle Joe. I know for sure he was there with me when the guys broke into the house." I looked to Dad, then to everyone else in the room. I looked over to the bed at where I was sitting and Uncle Joe was sitting there smiling.

"Tell Dad, he left his keys in the right pocket of his brown coat. His favorite one that mom got him for Christmas ten years ago before you were born. Tell him he put 'em there when he was leaving the house going to the air show." He smiled again. It made me smile, knowing that I wasn't alone in my problems, and I could talk to him if I needed advice. I nodded, turned back to Grandpa and told him.

"Uncle Joe said to tell you that your keys are in the right pocket of your favorite coat that Grandma got you ten years ago for Christmas before I was born. And that you put them there when you left the house going to the air show."

Grandpa smiled and said, "Oh? Well, tell your Uncle Joe that I said thank you and that I'll be right back to check."

I giggled and said, "Uncle Joe can hear you, Grandpa. He's sitting right over there on Daddy's bed. In between Pop and Uncle Jamie."

Uncle Joe stood up and walked over to me and put his hand on my head. "I need to go, for now, little one. But remember, I'll always be there to protect you, and so will God. If you are ever in trouble, start praying and He will keep you safe." He bent down and kissed my forehead. He put a hand on Dad's shoulder, then on Grandpa's. They both felt it and looked at me. Uncle Joe ruffled my hair, smiled at me, and walked out of the room past Grandpa and disappeared.

Grandpa walked downstairs to look for his keys, and hollered down the hallway "Don't go on without me!" I laid my head on Dad's shoulder as we waited for Grandpa to get back. When he finally did, I looked up to him and almost started to cry again.


	15. The Reagan Name

"Grandpa, I-I feel like I'm a disappointment t-to the Reagan f-family name. I'm not g-good enough t-to have it as my, my la-last name."

Dad sat me down on the bed again and said "Woah, woah, woah, woah. Who told you that? Don't you ever think you're not good enough for your last name. Whoever says that, don't know what they're talking about. You send 'em to me next time." Grandpa walked over and knelt down in front of the bed.

"Joseph, if anyone ever tells you that you don't deserve to have the last name 'Reagan' tell them you're proud of who you are and who your family is." Pop leaned over and whispered into my ear.

"Knock 'em in the nose real good. They should leave you alone after that." That made the both of us laugh. Dad was confused for a while until I told him what Pop said, then we all started laughing.

I told them how I felt about the day's earlier events. About how I was asking the "What-if's" "What if I wasn't part of the Reagan family? What if I didn't have my phone? What if they had kidnapped and done worse to me? What if I never got to see my family again?" It was questions like that, keeping me up those first two nights at Grandpa and Pop's house. I had a nightmare the first night I actually slept. I relived the break-in again, but this time I wasn't a Reagan, and I couldn't get help. According to Grandpa and Pop, I yelled in the middle of the night. It woke everyone in the house up, and Grandpa brought me into his room to sleep.


	16. School Time?

I hadn't gone to school the past two days because I hadn't gotten any sleep. On Wednesday, in the morning when I woke up to go to school, I went downstairs to see what time it was. I saw Dad sitting at the table with Grandpa, drinking coffee. I was surprised they were still at home so late. By the time I woke up, it was already a good fifteen minutes past seven. I had to be at school by eight, so I turned to go upstairs to start to get ready. Dad saw that I had come down the steps, but not came to say hi. Trying to be sneaky, he came up behind me and picked me up and swung me around before giving me a huge bear hug from behind, still holding me off the ground.

"How ya doin' sport?" He asked as he kissed me on the cheek.

I giggled until I could barely breathe and said, "Ready to go to school." He stopped for a second looked to Grandpa.

"Are you being serious? Dad, you're not gonna let him go to school today, are you?"

Grandpa lowered his morning newspaper and looked Dad straight in the eye. "Well, Danny. He said he was up to it. You know I would never force you to go to school when you were his age and weren't feeling good. I wouldn't do that to them either. Jack and Sean are already at school. He said he wanted to go and see his friends, so I'm letting him."

Dad mouthed something to Grandpa and he shook his head. Dad looked back to me and asked, "You sure you wanna go?" I nodded my head and tried to flip around in his arms. He set me down and walked over to Grandpa to whisper something. Before he could come back, I had already run upstairs, so I wasn't late for school.


	17. Advice From Uncle Joe

I was standing in Dad's old bedroom when I heard him yelling downstairs. I started getting flashbacks from the break-in. I finished putting on my uniform for the Catholic school I went to from first to fifth grade. I walked to the top of the steps, out of sight and listened to what he was yelling about.

"He shouldn't be goin' to school this soon after a traumatic experience Dad! He needs to stay home or go to a doctor to get checked out for PTSD if he woke up in the middle of the night! Not be going to a high-stress place that may only make it worse if he isn't treated!"

I was halfway down the steps, sitting with my backpack on my back, fiddling with my shoelaces that were just for show. I didn't know how to tie my own shoes until Jack and Sean taught me for a presentation in third grade.

Grandpa was as calm as could be and just replied, "Danny, if you want to get him checked out for PTSD, fine with me. He isn't my child and it isn't my place to object. But I will tell you one thing. If he knows he is being excluded, and those people broke into your house, because of your last name, who knows what will happen. He might get even worse. You can't do that to your baby boy." I looked down at my shoes and wondered if that was true.

I was probably two steps from the bottom of the stairs. I felt a hand on my right shoulder and looked to my left. Uncle Joe was sitting next to me. He smiled and said "Hey buddy. How have you been since I last saw you? Gotten any tougher?"

I put my head down and shook my head. "No. Only more scared and confused, Uncle Joe. Is what Grandpa saying, true? Is our last name, why the house was broken into?"

He looked up then sighed, wondering what to say. I looked up to him, and whimpers started to escape. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. He wiped them off, and whispered, "Listen to me, kiddo. If it was, there was nothing you could have done that would've prevented it. If it wasn't, well, then there still wasn't anything you could do to prevent it. So basically, either way, you couldn't have prevented it Xavy." I giggled when he called me that. He smiled at the fact that he was distracting me from the pain I was going through.

"Uncle Joe? How old was I when you were killed?" I asked as I looked up at him.

He turned to me with his bright green eyes, and his wide, forced smile and said "Xavy, I remember a couple weeks before I died, it was your second birthday party. You were still about a month and a half away from turning two, but it was the only night we could get most everyone together. We were having your party here. I came and held you because your dad was working late. You were crying because you were lonely, and everyone who tried to hold you gave up after you wouldn't stop crying. They would keep putting you in your crib, letting you cry until someone else got tired of hearing you cry and they attempted to hold you. Until I picked you up. As soon as I stood over your crib, you stopped crying and reached your tiny little hands up to me. I picked you up, and everyone was amazed, that I was the only one that could make you stop crying. I carried you around, and if I put you down, you started crying again." I looked up at his face, and he was starting to tear up.I nodded at the story he was telling, and looked back down at my feet.

"I tried to teach you how to play football to join the family football games on Thanksgiving when you were old enough. You knew how to get the ball, but you started to chew on it every time you got it. Dad would even give you the ball just so we couldn't play."

I looked back up to him and asked, "Is that why I like football so much now? Is 'cause you tried to teach me?"

He chuckled and nodded, "Maybe buddy. Maybe. Maybe it's cause you play it with your brothers so much too. But on your birthday, I came over to tell you happy birthday when I got called in, to work undercover with the Blue Templar. And that was the last time I saw you before I died. Your little steel blue eyes, your short platinum blonde hair, your tiny little smile, your tiny little plastic glasses so you could see. You were so innocent. I didn't deserve to have you as my nephew. Your smiling little face. Your sweet little face was the last face I saw before I was killed." I sat confused, and wondered about the Blue Templar. Who were they, and why did they kill my uncle? What happened to them?

"What happened to the Blue Templar or whatever they're called?" I wondered out loud. He laughed and patted my back a couple times.

"Why don't you go ask your grandpa and father?"


	18. Conversations about PTSD

I looked up and saw Dad and Grandpa watching me on the steps. I turned back around to say bye to Uncle Joe, but he was already gone. I stood up, walked into the kitchen, and tried to hop into the tall chair. I couldn't reach but tried a few more times for good measure. I still couldn't reach, but I was as hard-headed then, as my Dad was at his age. Dad picked me up and sat me on top of the chair. I surveyed Dad and Grandpa's faces, then finally spoke.

"Is it cause I'm a Reagan? Is that why you don't want me going to school, Daddy? Cause you're scared, they might do something to me if they find me?" I sounded and looked completely innocent. Dad looked at me, and with tears in his eyes walked over and hugged me and pulled me close.

"Xavier, I'm afraid that I may lose you. I can't lose another person close to my heart. I can't lose you like I lost Joe, or Grandma, or Mom. I can't handle that type of loss again. Not this soon." His voice started to break up at the end of it. Grandpa walked over, and I looked at him over Dad's shoulder.

"Grandpa, do I have PTSD? Am I ever gonna be normal, like Jack and Sean?" He made his face of deep thought, and after about a minute, he put his hands on both of my cheeks and lifted my face so we were seeing eye to eye.

"Joseph, no one is normal. Your brothers are moving faster than you because they weren't there. They don't know what happened. They didn't have to experience it as you did. Who were you talking to over there?" He motioned over to the steps, took his hands off my face and put them back in his pockets.

I hesitated, then responded. "Uncle Joe. He came and sat next to me on the steps when I heard Daddy yelling at you. When I heard you say we were broken into because of our last name, I asked him if it was true or not."

He nodded then rubbed his chin. "Oh. And what did he say about it?"

"He said that if it was, it was unpreventable, if it wasn't, it still was unpreventable. Then, he told me about my second birthday party before he got killed. He told me how Dad was working late that night, and how I was crying a lot, and no one could get me to stop, except him, when he picked me up. And he told me about how he tried to get me to play football, but I would just chew on the ball. So you would eventually give me the ball on purpose, so that Daddy, Uncle Joe and Uncle Jamie couldn't play."

Dad looked at me, then back at Grandpa and said, "Is that true Dad? Is that how Xavier would always end up with the ball, and we had to quit the game because of kid slobber?"

Grandpa laughed and said "I wonder how Joe figured that out."

I started to smile when I said, "He told me, that I was the last happy face he saw before he died. And that's why he is my guardian angel. Because I was always wanting to be with him."

Grandpa looked at the clock and said "Oops, come on Xavier, we are gonna be late for school." The clock read 7:55, and we were out the door. Dad picked me up, gave me a hug and kiss on the forehead, and buckled me in my car-seat in between Garrett and Grandpa. I looked out the window and saw Uncle Joe standing next to Dad. We had to ride in Grandpa's SUV when we went anywhere with him during work hours. We turned on the lights and sirens and got to school a minute before the bell rang.


	19. Escort?

I was sitting in my class, and it was math time. Mr. Smith was sitting at his desk, while we were working on an addition worksheet, something as easy as ten times ten. I had to go to the bathroom, and when I walked out of the room, I was met by two armed police officers wearing bulletproof vests and earpieces. I was escorted the fifteen feet to the bathroom while one officer went in with his hand on his gun to clear the room. The other officer stood out there with me as I waited to go to the bathroom. I walked in, expecting to be alone, but the two officers came in with me and stood next to the stall door. I was really uncomfortable, so I tried to sneak out. They caught me and brought me back to wash my hands. We went back to the classroom, and I walked in confused.


	20. PTSD Breakdown

Later, about halfway through the day, we had to talk about what to do during an intruder drill. It caused me to start hearing the loud voices of the men again, and to see my house destroyed again and again in my mind. I went over to the corner of the room and started to rock back and forth while covering my ears. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and just kept wishing the voices and the visions would go away. I felt a hand on my shoulder and said "Uncle Joe, make it stop! Please, Uncle Joe. I can't take the voices anymore."

Mr. Smith moved my hands away from my ears and attempted to calm me down. "Joseph, are you okay, buddy?" I looked up and realized the whole classroom was empty, except for me, Mr. Smith and the two officers. One of which, radioed in for a bus and a psych eval. I stayed in my ball rocking back and forth until I heard Uncle Joe talk. He softly said, "Xavy, you need to stand up, okay son? You need to stand up and wait for the bus to get here. When it does, and they bring in the stretcher, stay calm and let them lift you onto it. It'll be okay. I'll be with you the entire time Xavy. It'll be okay." I shook my head softly and said back to him "I-I don't think I ca-can Uncle Joe. I'm t-too-too scared to." He came over from the other side of the room and sat down beside me. "Son. I'm gonna need you to stand up now." He grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. I stood there and waited until he said, "Now, look at me Joseph. Look me in the eyes." I kept looking at my feet and he said, "Boy, look at me." I looked him in the eyes, and something about it made me feel more secure. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Now you stand here at attention until they bring the stretcher in. You hear me? Your mommy and daddy are gonna be there with your brothers okay?" I shook my head and he reached down to hold my hand. I grabbed his hand and I stood at attention like I was told to do, even though I was on the verge of having a mental breakdown.

We got onto the ambulance and Uncle Joe was sitting next to me when they strapped me into the stretcher. I was terrified and kept trying to wiggle out of it because it was too tight. The EMT's finally had to hold me down and inject a type of steroid into my bloodstream so I went unconscious while they transported me. When I was unconscious, my mind drifted to what might have happened if Uncle Joe hadn't died. He was there with me, watching the scenarios play out in my head. In my eight-year-old head, I was always hanging out with Uncle Joe. All of the scenarios were happy until I saw one that was Uncle Joe cuddling a baby then all of a sudden the baby got taken away from Uncle Joe, and he was fighting to get the baby back. But he ended up losing and they had to drag him away, while the baby then was getting handed to another family. Uncle Joe didn't want me to see the end of the vision, so he brought me back to the real world. I jumped when I got back to real life and shook the back of the ambulance. I was confused about the last vision so I asked Uncle Joe about it.

"What was that last vision about Uncle Joe? Who was that baby that was getting taken from you? Was that your baby? Who was the couple at the end? Why were th-"

"Enough questions Joseph! Just stop!" He erupted in the ambulance. I shut up quick and slumped down as much as I could for being strapped in. I was scared of Uncle Joe and I didn't talk for the rest of the ride.


	21. The Truth?

I looked the other way when Uncle Joe tried to talk to me. He would just appear right where I was looking while walking next to the stretcher. "Joseph, I'm sorry. I lost my temper with you and I know I shouldn't have. I was out of line. Can you forgive me?" I never answered and I watched as the bright spark in his eyes dulled to a hard green, as he stopped walking by the stretcher and just stood with his head hanging low. I tried to turn in the straps but they were too tight. I didn't want him to leave me, I just wanted to let him know he couldn't just yell at me and not hurt me in some way. I couldn't move so I just watched over my shoulder as he disappeared over the stretcher.

When I got into the hallway of where my hospital room, and where home was going to be for the next few days, there was a swarm of reporters with their news cameras and hand-held microphones. When they saw me on the stretcher, they started to swarm me. They started asking me questions about the break-in, my PTSD, and Uncle Joe. One of the few questions I fully heard was "Joseph Reagan. Did you know that your father is not Daniel Reagan but is actually Joseph Reagan? Did you know you have been lied to for the past eight years of your life?" I was confused about the question and wondered if it was true. I wondered if that was why Uncle Joe didn't want me asking questions about it, or seeing the end of the vision.

I got into the room and the reporters were finally shut out. Dad was sitting in one of the seats, next to Grandpa. Mom was sitting in a seat next to Dad, and Sean and Jack were asleep laying on each other. Uncle Joe was standing between them, just watching them, with his head hung low. Dad and Grandpa stood up when they saw me come in. As soon as they unstrapped me, I tried to make a run for the door. I figured the herd of reporters would hide me long enough to make my escape… if I even made it that far. Let's just say, I didn't. I was grabbed by the two medics and I got strapped down loosely to the table. Uncle Joe sat down in the chair along the wall, and started to cry it looked like. Dad and Grandpa were trying to ask me questions like if I were okay, or what I had experienced. I ignored them because I figured if it was true about Uncle Joe being my dad, and not the person I had thought was my dad, then they hadn't told me. I just sat as straight as possible and kept looking forward. I tried to hold back tears. It hurt me when I hurt my family; they were the only family I had. Uncle Joe finally stood up, and walked to the front of my bed. Grandpa and Dad had given up on me talking and sat quietly, waiting for some results of tests to come back.

I kept moving my line of vision, and Uncle Joe kept moving to block it. I finally stopped and said, "What?" Dad and Grandpa looked up and realized I was talking to Uncle Joe. He hung his head low.

"I know you're mad at me. Will you forgive me? I was only trying to protect you. I didn't want you to know that when I adopted you, they took you away and gave you to Danny and Linda. I didn't want you to know that I was your father and a pretty bad one, to say the least. I let the only thing I loved get taken away not once, but twice." I looked at him with anger and hostility, but saw an honest, broken man, that had his only son taken away from him. Twice not just once. I felt bad for him.

I looked into his grey eyes and said "Uncle Joe? Is what they're saying true? Are you my real dad?"

Grandpa and Dad both looked up. Dad stood and said, "Xavier, who are you talking to?"

I kept trying to wiggle out of the straps, and Uncle Joe knew I was, so he sat there chuckling to himself before I said, "A little help here?" And the restraints popped off the bed. I swung my legs over to face Dad and Grandpa. I looked at both of them many times then looked at Mom. I finally bowed my head and spoke quietly "Is Uncle Joe, my dad? Is it true? Is Daddy not actually my dad?" Neither Grandpa nor Dad spoke. They just stared at their feet. I asked again "Is Uncle Joe, my dad?"

No one answered so I took off out the door at a full sprint. I turned my head for a second, and saw Dad try to run after me. He made it halfway down the hallway, and got stopped by two doctors pushing a gurney. I stopped for a second to watch, and to possibly change my mind, when I got picked up from behind, by one of the doctors. I started yelling, and started kicking him. He finally let go, and I ran. Some of the doctors tried to grab me before I got out of the hospital, but missed me. One of them grabbed my school jacket, and pulled it off of me. It was almost winter, so it was very cold outside without my jacket.


	22. Escape

I started down the street until I knew out of sight from the hospital. I saw a taxi going down the road. I started jumping up and down waving my arms to get his attention. The taxi finally stopped, so I asked him to drive me down to the 12th precinct. I buckled using all three of the buckles, because I didn't have my booster seat. I had been told by Dad, that if I didn't have a booster seat and buckle up, I would be in BIG trouble. The taxi driver started to drive, and as I was sitting in the car, he looked up in the rear-view mirror at me, and furrowed his brow.

"Hey, aren't you Danny Reagan's kid? I heard they was looking for you cause you ran away."

I pulled my toy gun from my ankle holster and said "12th precinct. No games. And no. Danny Reagan isn't my dad. My dad was Detective Joseph Reagan of the Warrant Squad."

He took one look at my fake gun, chuckled, and said "Yeah, ok kiddo. Whatever you say. Just don't shoot me."

Uncle Joe looked at me with a smile that had a lot of pride and a little bit of disappointment in it. "Xavy, you're not supposed to pull your gun out until it is needed." I looked up at him and shrugged my shoulders, then smiled the same smile.

When we were nearing the precinct, Uncle Joe started talking to me about what the plan was. "Xavy, you are going to have to run in there, and get your Uncle Jamie. Okay buddy?" I nodded, so he continued. "You are going to tell him everything that happened. And I mean everything. Tell him what I told you when you were having the breakdown, and what happened in the ambulance. Then tell him why you ran out of the hospital." I started to tear up, and all I could do was nod. He noticed I was crying and he wiped the tears out of my eyes. "Hey now. No need to cry. You won't be able to see if you keep with it. It'll all be okay. Just go hug your Uncle Jamie."


	23. Explanation

When we got to the precinct, I gave the driver the money and ran up the steps to get into the building. I ran in and Sergeant Renzulli saw me and came over and asked me what I was doing. I told him almost out of breath "I need Uncle Jamie… NOW!" With all the commotion, Uncle Jamie walked out and saw me standing there, tears in my eyes. He jogged over and bent down to pick me up. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight.

"Is it true?"

Confused, Uncle Jamie said, "Is what true buddy? Why aren't you at school?"

I started crying, telling him "I tried to go to school today, but when Mr. Smith started talking about what to do during an intruder drill, I started reliving the break-in and I kept hearing the voices of the two guys and watching them destroy my house. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to the back corner and started trying to get the voices and visions out of my head. Mr. Smith came over and tried to see what was wrong. Uncle Joe was there, and when I was on the ground, he told me to stand up and stand at attention to wait for the ambulance to get there, to get a psychological evaluation, whatever that is."

Uncle Jamie asked me "Xavier, what did your Uncle Joe say about the bus they sent?" I hugged him closer and he hugged me closer.

"Uncle Joe told me to stay still while they were trying to test me, but I didn't want to be in there so I kept wiggling around in the straps. Uncle Joe kept calling me 'son' and I was really confused and held me down long enough for them to put me to sleep for a while. While I was dreaming, I had dreams of how life might have been if Uncle Joe hadn't gotten killed by the dirty cops. All the other dreams were good dreams, but then this one was Uncle Joe holding and playing with a baby, smiling from ear to ear. All of a sudden, I saw people take the baby away from him, Uncle Jamie. He tried fighting past the people holding him back, but they ended up knocking him down and putting him in handcuffs and dragging him away. It got blurry when the baby got handed to this couple that was standing there with two kids next to them. Uncle Joe didn't want me to see it, so he made the drugs stop working. When I saw it I tried to ask him questions, and he yelled at me. So I went quiet and sat the rest of the way." Uncle Jamie was holding me close, and I hadn't realized he had carried me into the interrogation room. I looked back up at Uncle Jamie when he sat me on the table. Tears were starting to form in his eyes as I talked about Uncle Joe. "When we got into the hospital I was mad at him for yelling at me, so I was ignoring him. He kept trying to say he was sorry and I wasn't listening so he stopped walking next to me on the stretcher. I watched over my shoulder as best as I could as he disappeared from behind me. Then there were reporters waiting outside the room and one of the came up to me and said that Daddy wasn't actually my dad, that Uncle Joe actually was. Is that true Uncle Jamie? Was I the baby that got taken away from Uncle Joe? Was the family I got handed to Mommy, Daddy, Jack and Sean?"

Uncle Jamie had to stand up and turn around to hide the fact he was crying. You aren't supposed to show kids your weaknesses by crying, I've learned that over the years. So I kept talking. "When I got into the room, Daddy and Grandpa came and stood at the foot of the bed, but I was so mad at them that I just stayed silent. Uncle Joe showed up and was standing in front of my bed. Every time I would move my line of vision, he would move to there. I finally asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to apologize for not telling me the truth. He wanted to apologize for trying to protect me from knowing that he had adopted me and lost me. He didn't want me to know that I was fatherless because he died before he could tell me that he was my dad. That's when I broke out of the restraints and ran out of the hospital. I hopped into a cab and I told them to bring me here. That's when I ran into here. I'm sorry Uncle Jamie, but I couldn't take it anymore." I hung my head low and Uncle Jamie walked over and picked me up and I put my arms around his neck and cried onto his shoulder.


	24. Just Like Joe

When I looked up, Uncle Joe was standing there crying but smiling. I jumped down from Uncle Jamie's arms and ran over to Uncle Joe. He bent down and I gave him a great big hug and told him I was sorry for ignoring him. He told me he was sorry for lying and that he left when I was so young.

"Xavy, I want you to know. I love you. So, so, so much more than you could ever imagine buddy. And I didn't want to leave you, I hope you know that. If you want to, I'm more than okay with you still calling me Daddy. But only if you want to." I nodded and smiled.

Uncle Jamie was on the phone when I turned back around, I didn't realize that it was Dad and Grandpa that he called. Apparently, there were a bunch of news reports about me running out of the hospital and no one could find me. He took me back out to the main room of the precinct and Uncle Jamie asked if Sergeant Renzulli could take care of me while he made some phone calls. I sat in his office, waiting for Uncle Jamie to get back when Dad, Grandpa, and Pop came into the room. I could immediately tell that Dad was upset. He walked in and slammed the door behind him. It made me jump.

"What the hell were you thinking Joseph? You could've gotten yourself killed." Dad was definitely upset. He rarely ever yelled at us. But when he did, I was always the one who took it in stride.

"I'm sorry, Daddy. But in my defense, I just wanted to know if it was true, so I came to Uncle Jamie to ask. You guys wouldn't answer, and you were keeping it from me. I don't think that's very fair." I started shaking my head, and looked up to Grandpa who couldn't help but smile. Grandpa sat quietly in the corner waiting for Dad to calm down. He finally sat forward, with his elbows on his knees.

"Xavier, you are so much like your Uncle Joe. Anytime I would get mad at one of the kids, he would defend them, and himself with ease. He took every bit of criticism in stride. He never let up, and I am proud that you are just like him." He started to tear up, so he rubbed his eyes. Pop came over and put his hand on my shoulder.

"You can't just run off like that kiddo. Especially when no one is with you."

I sat up and argued, "But someone was with me. That's how I got here safely. That's how I wasn't hurt during the break-in. Dad was protecting me the entire time." Dad was standing across the desk from me and slammed his hand down on the desk.

"What? I wasn't there during the break-in and I wasn't with you when you ran off. Who are you talking about?" I looked at him, to Grandpa then to Pop.

Trying to be as serious as Grandpa was, I looked Dad in the eyes. "Is it true that Uncle Joe is the one that adopted me? Am I adopted?" Everyone looked at each other, still confused on how I had found out. Then they all shifted their attention to me.


	25. Adopted

I was sitting there with tears in my eyes and Uncle Jamie walked in. I jumped off the chair and ran into Uncle Jamie's arms. He picked me up and I said "Uncle Jamie? Am I adopted?" He looked at me, than to everyone else in the room then back to me. I saw Dad nod his head and Uncle Jamie walked over to the desk and sat down. He sighed really big, then got ready to explain it so the mind of a slow eight year old, could process it and fully understand it.

"Yeah, buddy you are adopted. When Joe and I were working on a drug bust, we found you in a pile of drugs. You were only three months old, had cuts and bruises all over you from where you had been abused. Joe fell in love with you when he first met you." He put his head down and smiled. He looked back up and said "Joe went to the adoption center every day to check on you. Until one day he finally got up the courage to file for adoption. When he got you, he was smiling from ear to ear. So were you, at least we think. I don't know, you were pretty unpredictable as a baby. But anyways. You two were meant for each other. The police found one thing wrong with Joe's records though, and found him unfit to be your dad. Your Grandpa wanted to keep you in the family though, so Joe could see you anytime. On your second birthday, Joe came over to the house to tell you happy birthday. He got called to go onto the job undercover again. No one knew that night, that he wasn't gonna come home again."

I looked around the room and said "Is that true? Was Uncle Joe supposed to be my dad? Did I get taken away from him and given to Daddy?" Dad was standing with his hands on his hips with his head down.

Grandpa turned and looked at me and sat a hand on my shoulder. "Joseph, with Joe being your dad, you didn't have a mom to help raise you. With Danny and Linda being your parents, you had two older brothers, a mom, and a dad. We knew that you were special when Joe brought you home that first night. That's why we kept you in the family." I looked down at my feet and contemplated on even bringing it up to them.

"What was wrong with Uncle Joe's records though, Grandpa? Why did they take me away from him? Was it something I did?" Uncle Joe walked over from the corner of the room and lifted my head.

"No buddy. It wasn't anything you did. I was just busy most of the time, especially with all the undercover work and being transferred to the Warrant Squad. And don't think for a second that it was because I didn't want you, or love you. Because you know I do. I loved you then and I love you, even more, every day because I get to watch you grow up and mature every day. I might not be there to hold your hand or play football with you, but I'll always help you and guide you on the right path." I nodded and he gave me a kiss on my forehead and gave me a huge hug.

Grandpa forced his smile, then said, "We can talk about that when you're older Xavier. But for now, It's best you don't know that." Uncle Joe leaned down to my height. He whispered in my ear.

"I love you Joseph. I'll see you soon."

I nodded, and said, "Bye Dad," and Dad asked who I was talking to. I said "Uncle Joe was in here. He left but he was in here the entire time."


	26. The Reason Behind the Name

Grandpa smiled and said "Come on Xavier. You wanna go to the office with me so Danny and Jamie can get back to work?" I nodded and went over to Dad and he picked me up and swung me around.

"I'm sorry you had to figure this out this soon Joseph, but it's just," He paused to clear the knot in his throat then continued. "It's just so soon after losing Joe, and I can't think about him without my whole body aching. That's why we named you after him. You had so much of a bond with him, that you didn't want to sleep with anyone else. The only two people you would fall asleep for was Joe and Jamie. Anyone else, you just cried and threw fits." He smiled remembering the good times he had when I was a baby.

"Except for Dad. As soon as he picked you up and rocked you for less than ten seconds, you were asleep. I don't know how he did it, but he did. Especially with you being a colicky baby. I think you spent more nights over at their houses then you did at your own." He tickled me and I started giggling and kicking.

After he hugged me tightly, I jumped down and ran over to Uncle Jamie and hugged him. He picked me up and whispered, "Your Uncle Joe loved you very much. Ya know that? More than you'll ever know buddy. Just like I love you. You might not have been born into our family, but over the past seven years you're just as much a Reagan as anyone else." He smiled at me and I smiled back, and tried to wink.

He laughed as I said, "I know Uncle Jamie." And gave him a kiss on the cheek. Everyone started to laugh and I jumped down and ran back over to Grandpa. I grabbed his hand and said, "One day, I'm gonna be the commissioner too, Grandpa."

He smiled and said, "I'm sure you will, but you have to work hard for it." We walked out and got into Grandpa's car. Grandpa couldn't lift me up to put me into my car seat so Garrett had to help me. Garrett talked to Grandpa for about five minutes then they both got in the car. We rode to One Police Plaza and I hopped out of the car seat all on my own. Garrett and Grandpa were impressed with me and Grandpa ruffled my hair and grabbed my hand. We walked in and Abigail greeted us and asked Grandpa if she could give me a sucker. Grandpa was hesitant until I begged.

"Please Grandpa? It'll keep me quiet." They laughed and he gave in. We walked into his office and that was all I remember.


	27. Blame

Mom passed away in a helicopter crash at her work when I was 10. Dad blamed himself for the longest time. He blamed himself for Mom dying, he blamed himself for the house getting torched. It was a while before he was "normal" considering his wife had died. Jack and Sean were quiet most of the time, except for the times Sean yelled at Dad about him living and not her. Dad understood that he was mad, because he told us this, "Everyone expects me to have the chance of not coming home after work one night, but no one ever told you that your mom might not make it through a shift." Dad started to be extra careful on the job for a few months.

He started spending more time at home, and trying to cook for us. He usually ended up burning it, but we would get chinese. So it was basically a win-win for us. We got to spend more time with everyone else when he would be at work. Unless when Jack was able to watch us. He had to try extra hard to keep me calm, because once Dad left, I rarely listened to instructions. Jack had to call Dad at least three times a night, and if Dad ever came home from work after one of those calls, I was in trouble.

One night, I was silent but I was extremely angry at school. So I almost destroyed my entire room, while no one was paying attention. Instead of calling Dad, because Jack knew Dad wouldn't just take away my gameboy or tv, he called Grandpa. Grandpa walked in, and I immediately sat on the couch with my head down. I knew, that whatever Dad would do as a punishment, Grandpa would do too, and more.

"I'm sorry Grandpa. I didn't mean to do it. I promise! I was just mad, and I didn't mean to." I started to cry and he sat down next to me.

"Xavier, look up at me." I shook my head and climbed onto his lap. I buried my head into his big jacket and kept crying. He adjusted me to where my legs were laying across his and I was laying against his arm. "Xavier, you have to look at me so I can talk to you." I nodded, and slowly looked up to his eyes. He was smiling so I thought "How's he gonna punish me?"

Xavier, I'm not mad at you. I'm disappointed with you, but I'm not mad," He picked me up and made me stand in front of the couch, "Now, we need to clean your room before Danny gets home, or it won't be good." We both laughed and started to my room.

Jack and Sean helped clean, because they didn't want me to get into trouble. They always stuck up for me since I was the youngest. Jack was older by 8 years. By the time we finished, it looked better then what it was before I made the mess. I looked around and "dusted" my hands off to make myself look professional.

"Well. Grandpa, Jack, Sean. I think we did a pretty good job." I walked over to Grandpa and gave him a big hug. Sean and Jack walked over behind us and joined in the hug. "Thank you for helping me everyone," I turned to Jack and hugged him tighter. "And thanks for not telling Dad." He laughed and ruffled my hair.

"Anytime buddy. Us older kids gotta protect you." He fist bumped Sean then we all three did our secret handshake. We all started to laugh when Dad walked in.

"What are you guys doing in here?" We all stood up and I walked forward.

"I'm sorry Dad. I made a mess in my room, but don't worry cause Grandpa, Jack and Sean helped me clean it up." I smiled an innocent smile, and watched Dad barely crack a smile.

He walked over and picked me up, then tickled my stomach.


	28. Disappointment

Uncle Joe kept visiting me from time to time when I would get into trouble. I remember when I was twelve, I was hanging out with some of Jack's older friends when they pulled out a pack of cigarettes. We were supposed to go to the movies to hang out, but Jack couldn't make it, so we went to the basketball courts. These guys were about 19-23 years old. I wanted to be cool and fit in with them so I tried it. I started to cough and Uncle Joe came up behind me, grabbed the cigarette and snapped it in half. I turned around to see him standing with his arms crossed. I told the kids I'd be back in a few minutes. They didn't hear me because they were already so drunk and high.

I walked over underneath the streetlight with my head hung low. I stood there until I saw Uncle Joe's feet on the ground below me. "Come on Xavier. This isn't how I raised you. You can be better than this. I'm really disappointed in you. How would you feel if your uncle found out about it?" I started to say something but stopped before I said something I would have regret.

I finally managed to say "Sorry Dad. I should have known better. I need a ride home though. I left my phone in Uncle Danny's off-duty car."

He looked at me and said, "Already done, you Grandpa is going to get a phone call from someone saying they saw you smoking." I immediately looked up with fear in my eyes.

"Really? Are you serious Dad? I don't want to let Grandpa know I'm smoking! Plus I only had one! Please, Dad, don't tell him, please?"

He started to laugh and said, "I'm just kidding with ya buddy. But… I am going to have to tell Danny." I looked up at him and rolled my eyes.

"Can't they just beat me up or something?"

I had spoken too soon. The guys I was with walked over to me under the streetlight and the biggest one looked down on me and said, "Did you break my cigarette you little punk?"

I hesitated and then said, "Yeah on accident, I dropped it and I don't have my glasses on so I tripped and crushed it." I knew I was lying but he didn't. He turned to his friends who chuckled, then he turned back to me.

"I guess I'm just going to have to accidentally trip and crush your face, Reagan." I looked at Uncle Joe and as soon as I did, I fell to the ground from the force of the first blow.

They all jumped on top of me and started kicking and punching me. I started screaming for Uncle Joe to help me, but he never pulled them back or anything. I heard the kids start hollering and cheering and then they weren't hitting me anymore. I stayed curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, crying. I heard two pairs of footsteps get closer then run past. Then I heard them yell "POLICE, GET ON THE GROUND!"

Uncle Jamie ran over to me and turned me over. According to him, I didn't look too good. The kid that first punched me in the face had some type of ring on, to where it made a three-inch scar on my right cheekbone. They had broken two of my ribs, all the fingers on my right hand, except for my pinky, and my nose. He picked me up and asked me what had happened. I just kept crying because I was in so much pain. Uncle Jamie leaned over to his radio and called for a bus.

The other two police officers called across the waves and said they had six out of the nine kids in custody. Uncle Jamie verified, and he held me as I started to go in and out of consciousness. Uncle Jamie kept tapping me gently, saying "No, no, no, no, no, kid, kid stay with me. Don't you lose consciousness." He leaned back over to his radio and yelled into it something I couldn't make out. Uncle Jamie always told me he said something along the lines of "Hurry up with that bus," but it didn't sound like that. I finally couldn't hold on anymore and slipped out of consciousness.


	29. Coma

Uncle Jamie told me later, that on the way to the hospital, I kept mumbling something about Uncle Joe, and how I was "coming home." He said at one point, my heart stopped beating, and the paramedics had to resuscitate me. He said he was on the phone with Dad the entire ride. Uncle Jamie said Dad was freaking out about what was happening. When the heart monitor started to flatline, I don't think that helped.

Dad was at the hospital when we got there. I had gained some consciousness by then and saw him walking back and forth in front of my bed waiting for me to wake up. When I did he came to the side of the bed and kneeled down beside me. He started to cry, and put his hands on my head. He leaned down, and said something that I made out to be "Don't leave me Joseph. Please don't leave me too."

The only thing I remember from those few nights in the hospital were the few moments before I went into the coma, and the nightmares I had during it. Since they had broken my ribs and my entire right hand, I had to go in for surgery almost immediately. After the operation was successful, where they had replaced most of the bone with mechanical parts, I slipped into a coma because of the blunt force trauma to the right side of my head. They told me later that the bones in my hand were so broken, they wouldn't have healed if they were in a cast. My right hand is basically all metal; they went ahead and replaced my pinky too.

When I was in the coma, I had to be fed by a tube. I was put on a form of life support for a while because every so often, my heart would start beating irregularly, then stop altogether. I died about three or four times. I know that, because every time I did, I would go to Heaven for about two minutes every time. Uncle Joe introduced me to God, Grandpa's older brother, Peter Christopher Reagan, Grandpa's mom, Betty Reagan, Grandma, and everyone else in the family in Heaven. Every time they would bring me back I would go back to the horrible nightmares and wish that I was dead again so I could get out of the pain and suffering.


	30. Finding Uncle Jamie

One of the last times I died, I didn't go to Heaven with Uncle Joe, I just saw myself laying on the bed. The doctors were doing CPR and using the defibrillators but nothing was working. Everyone was sitting or standing around the room, hugging each other and crying on each other. Then, I saw Uncle Joe standing next to Dad and Uncle Jamie with his hands on their shoulders. Dad had his head down shaking his head. Uncle Jamie turned around and stormed out of the room.

I was in the coma for six days. I watched as they finally got me alive, and I felt a huge jerk when I woke up. I sat up really quickly and scared everyone in the room. Everyone started to cry tears of joy but I just started to ache all over. I was checking out my bruises and scars all over my body. Jack walked over to the side of the bed, and slowly mumbled "I'm sorry." I could barely hear him because one of my eardrums were busted. I just looked at him, confused and tried to ask him what he said. My voice wasn't working because I had gotten kicked in the throat. I kept trying to speak and kept getting so mad that it wasn't working that my blood pressure started to spike, and it caused some type of alarm to go off. I just sat back on the bed and started to cry.

Everyone was gathered around me and I was getting claustrophobic. I tried to push them away with my feet but if I tried to move them, it shot agonizing jolts of pain up through my spine. Uncle Jamie still wasn't back. I waited until I gained enough energy, and could move my legs without hurting them to make my move. I reached down, grabbed the IV and the other tubes they had in me and I pulled them out. I got up and ran out on pure adrenaline.

I didn't stop until I got to a phone booth down the road. I didn't have any pockets in the shirt they gave me at the hospital, so of course, I didn't have any cash. I was too short to reach it either, so a nice elderly lady gave me money and handed the phone down to me. I told her what numbers to dial and she did. I stood waiting, listening to it ring when I heard a phone start to ring and it was getting quieter and quieter, so I thanked the old lady and ran after it. I had memorized how everyone in the family walked, so when I saw the way one guy was walking I knew who it was. "Uncle Jamie! Uncle Jamie!" I yelled at him while chasing him down. I don't know how I could talk during this whole thing, as soon as the adrenaline wore off my throat hurt even worse from trying to yell.

I don't know why now, but at the time, it seemed obvious to run across the road, without looking, to get to him. He turned around really quick as if he was hearing something, and saw me about to run into the road. I started to run across the road at full speed when I heard "Joseph!" I stopped for a second and turned around. I knew who it was as soon as he spoke. It was Uncle Joe. He motioned for me to come back over to the sidewalk, so I did. I turned back around and Uncle Jamie was running across the street to get to me. He wasn't paying attention to the traffic, and was about to get hit by a truck going way too fast for a red light. I yelled as loud as I could but I was getting more and more tired. Uncle Jamie didn't hear me, but Uncle Joe did. He got in front of the car and slowed it down enough to where Uncle Jamie backed up and it barely missed him. Uncle Jamie told me later that he was surprised the car slowed down just enough.

Uncle Joe came back to beside me and Uncle Jamie ran over to me. When Uncle Jamie got over there, Uncle Joe smacked the back of Uncle Jamie's head "That's for running across the street without looking 'Harvard'. " Uncle Jamie turned around and started rubbing his head. I looked up at Uncle Joe and we both started laughing to ourselves. Uncle Jamie grabbed me and hugged me so tight I started to hurt again.

I started saying "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Uncle Jamie, you're hurting me." He sat me back down and ran his hands over my face and the bruise on the side of my head. He put his head down and started to say something then stopped. He took a deep breath in.

"What happened to you, buddy? How did you even get with those kids?" I looked at Uncle Jamie and was silent.

In my head I was thinking "Uncle Jamie I wish I could tell you, but if I did, you would be disappointed in me, and the last thing I want is for you to be upset with me too." He could tell I was holding back something.

He looked at me and said, "Joseph, I need you to tell me what happened and how you got into the situation. If you don't then we have no way of finding the other three guys that got away."

I looked at him in the eye and started telling him everything. "They were Jack's older friends. Jack was supposed to be with us, cause we were going to go see a movie. I didn't have a ride other than the kids that were there. So they drove us to wherever you found me at, and we were going to play basketball, but then they pulled out a pack of cigarettes and one thing led to another and then they were beating me up. I don't remember much after that." Uncle Jamie looked at his feet then crouched down to be lower than me.

"Xavier you have to tell me everything that happened. I don't know what the one thing was that lead to another." I reached up and put my arms around his neck and he stood up and held me. I tried to talk and then started to hurt all over. The adrenaline had worn off.


	31. Effects of a Bad Choice

I knew some sign language from a kid in my class so I signed to Uncle Jamie to get me a piece of paper. He took me to his RMP and sat me in the passenger's seat. I wrote on the paper "Can you take me to a hospital other than the one I was at? I don't want to let everyone know where I am at." Before I even finished writing, he looked at me with disbelief.

"Xavier you can't just run away like that! Everyone is probably worried about you." Before he finished talking, I started writing on the paper again.

"You ran away when they couldn't get my heart to start beating again. You just left me and Dad and the whole family. Why? I was waiting to see you when I came out of the coma. I missed you. But you just left me there." He started to tear up again and grabbed my hand.

"Dammit Xavier, because I couldn't stand to see you like that. You were only in the hospital, because I wasn't there to protect you, and now you have a screwed up metal hand and a scar on your cheek that will be there forever." I looked at him, then to my hand, then threw the pencil and paper down on the ground and opened the door to the car. I tried to run but when I did it started hurting a lot more. I made it about thirty feet and collapsed from the pain. When I did, I hit my head in the same place. It caused me to start to black out as I watched Uncle Jamie start walking over until he realized I was blacking out and he started to sprint over to me.


	32. Phone Calls Out Loud

I could hear but I couldn't see anything. All I could hear was someone asking Uncle Jamie questions about me. "Sir, is this your son? What happened to him?"

Uncle Jamie responded back and said "No, he's my nephew, about a week ago he got beaten up by some kids, and they broke his right hand, and two of his ribs. He got his hand replaced by a metal one and was in a coma for about six days. He tried to run and fell and hit his head in the same place they kicked him. That's what caused him to blackout. Is he gonna be okay?" I couldn't tell if we were in a bus or I was on a stretcher. All I knew was that we were moving forward.

Uncle Jamie got a phone call and when he answered he said, "Danny, I know what you're gonna say. I'm sorry for walking out at the hospital. That isn't what you called for? Well, what's going on Danny? Dammit, how did he get out of the hospital again without someone catching him?" He paused for a moment then said, "No I haven't seen him, Danny. Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for him. He was asking for me? Is that why he ran out?" I moved a little and Uncle Jamie moved me back. "Danny, it was my fault he got beaten up. How? Cause I wasn't there Danny! I let him go out on his own and he ends up in the hospital with scars that are gonna be there for the rest of his life. He has a metal hand, Danny! That isn't going to just heal with time. I'm supposed to be there for him and protect him, but I can't even do that. I might as well just leave. He'll be better off… The hell he won't! Cause I won't be here to get his hopes up that he isn't gonna get hurt if I'm around. I've let that happen to him twice now, Danny. TWICE! He has PTSD cause I promised I was gonna take care of him and I failed him on that promise." I started to slowly gain my sight back and started to groan. Uncle Jamie looked down to me and shook his head. "I gotta go, Danny. Let me know when you find him," then he slammed his phone shut.

I looked up at him and with my raspy voice said "Why were you yelling at Dad? Uncle Jamie, it's not your fault. Is that why you ran out of the hospital? Cause you were disappointed that you let me get hurt? I was the one that screwed up. I shouldn't have even tried one of the cigarettes. If I hadn't I wouldn't be in this stupid mess." Uncle Jamie looked me over. All of my scars and bruises.

He hung his head and asked, "You heard that? I'm sorry buddy. You weren't supposed to hear that. I made you a promise four years ago when the break-in happened that I wouldn't let you get hurt. If I can't even keep that promise, what can I do?" I tried to reach over to hold his hand but I couldn't move my arm. He reached over and grabbed my hand. He looked up at me and said "On your second birthday, Danny and Joe got into a big fight. Joe was trying to fight to get you back a few weeks before. The day before, Joe had presented his case in court and won the case. He was going to come and take you home after he got back from the case he was working. But… he never came back home that night. You had to stay with me for a few nights while Danny and Dad looked for him. Heh, you even at one point tried to crawl out to the kitchen and grabbed a family picture of us all and kept pointing to him, smiling." I was still trying to make sense of it all when we got to the hospital. I was loaded off of the ambulance, and taken into my room. I fell asleep from running around all day and from the emotional stress of everything.


End file.
